survival mode

i just looked at the date of my last blog post, and has it really been 10 days? i am in shock. i can't believe it has been that long. life can sometimes become a blur for our family (or at least for me) this time of year. this tax season has been more difficult emotionally and mentally on me than some in the past. we (i) go into survival mode and we simply work to get through until the 15th! yesterday was the 15th. maybe, just maybe, i will be able to start answering people when they ask me the question "so what's it like to get your husband back?" in reference to his being released as bishop. until now i had to just say, i really don't know. even then - the question is not my favorite because i have never felt that i "lost" brad, so i am not actually getting him back. thankfully, he's been here all along, we just haven't spent a whole lot of time together - especially lately!

yesterday, as i drove with brad to his firm's "after busy season" dinner celebration, i felt completely spent. i felt drained in every possible sense of the word. i had that feeling you get when you've been holding it all together for so long and trying to just suck it up & get through whatever it is you have to get through that is a pain in the butt to get through, then when you know you don't really have to anymore, you just want to let it all out & bawl like a baby. I wanted to do that, but i didn't. i still just might do that. i doubt it, but we'll see. the fact that our school book fair is happening this week (and i am in charge of it), that the wind fiercely blew all day (which I despise - it is draining in itself), and that ben has thrown up at least once a day for the past 4 days (the last time being just hours before the dinner while in his car seat on the way to the school to go to the book fair) certainly contributed to my "spent" feeling last night.

i still feel drained, but i feel relieved. i am looking forward to completing a few projects around the house that have been put on the back burner for about the last five years because there was never time. i am looking forward to some evenings together as a family. i am looking forward to brad going to a few soccer practices while i stay home & make dinner. i am looking forward to brad sitting down with katie to help her with her math homework or with lacey to listen to her read a story. i am looking forward to brad picking up katie from dance sometimes or madi from young women's. i am looking forward to hanging out with brad after the kids go to bed & just being next to him and spending time with him. yes, i am looking forward to abandoning survival mode for a while.