Melt My Heart

Sometimes, I lose my patience with my kids :(
Sometimes, I get frustrated with my kids :(
Sometimes, I get aggravated with my kids :(
Sometimes, I get down right mad at my kids :(
Sometimes, I yell at my kids :(
And sometimes . . . they lose patience with me, get frustrated with me, get aggravated with me, get down right mad at me, and EVEN yell at ME! :(

But, no matter what, absolutely ALL the time, I love my kids :) They know how to melt my heart and take away all the frustration, anger, and aggravation!

Just lately they have melted my heart as I -

- Listened to Madi give a beautiful talk at Young Women's New Beginnings for church. She is growing up to be such an amazing person!

- Watched Katie act as "teacher" at her annual parent-child night, teaching mom & dad about what she is learning at school. Katie is such a responsible and organized student!

- Had Lacey plop into my lap just because she needed a love from mom. She is growing up to be such a big first grader, but still seems to need to be the baby girl at times!

- Heard Ben's sweet words as he prayed, saying "Thank you that mommy can stay home and take care of me" and sensed his excitement when he first spots my shadow on our morning walks, proclaiming "There's mommy's sunshine!"

It's a good thing I love them so much! When they make my heart melt, I know they are worth every single second of aggravating, frustrating, and patience-trying moments. I love these babies of mine - and offer my thanks to Heavenly Father for the many ways they enrich my life and make me a better person.

Grandma Grace Remembered

Grandma Grace's funeral was a spiritual and uplifting celebration of her 90 years of life as well as a Wallace Family Reunion. We saw cousins, aunts, and uncles who Brad has not seen in almost 20 years. Ken and his siblings rarely get together as they are all spread out across the United States. Ken is in Utah, Bruce in Arizona, Karen in Nebraska, and Larry in Texas. In fact, Ken and his brother, Larry, determined that they had seen each other only 5 times in the last 40 years. Despite their infrequent visits, their sibling bond was apparent, and I enjoyed watching Ken interact with his brothers and sister.

Ken Bruce, Karen, Larry

The funeral was in Salt Lake at the chapel in the neighborhood where Grandma lived for many years. The Bishop of the ward lived next door to Grandma for a period of time & shared that his 4-year-old daughter Grace, was named after Grandma Grace. Ken gave a beautiful talk at the funeral, remembering his mother and sharing his testimony of Christ's atonement. His brother Larry and sister Karen spoke as well and one of Karen's daughters sang "The Lord's Prayer" in a lovely, clear soprano voice, a request of Grandma's.

I was honored to play a piece on the piano. Grandma was a very accomplished pianist, and I was asked to play a song that was a favorite of hers, Liebestraum by Liszt. This was a song that Grandma played frequently during her life, and I knew I could not play it the way she did. I was not familiar with the piece and ended up playing a simplified version and pairing it with the hymn "More Holiness Give Me" - a favorite of Grandma's as well. I was very nervous about playing, and I knew that the only way I could do it well was with divine assistance. I was very blessed to feel the Spirit guiding my fingers as I played at the funeral. I also had a fleeting but sublime experience while practicing alone in the chapel at the church in Woodland prior to heading to Salt Lake. That experience gave me the impression that Grandma was there, helping me along as well.

Here are a few pictures from the cemetery. It was a little warm, and everyone huddled under a tree for shade, but it was still an absolutely beautiful day.

The Wallace grandchildren minus Kimmy & Russ' kids and the toddlers - Ben, Ellie, and Abby J

After the cemetery we returned to the church for a family meal. These are just a few of the pictures I took -

How I love these people - Brad, Casey, Ken, Judy, Jill, & Kimmy

Several of the grandchildren sat down to eat with grandma and granddad

Hannah (Casey's oldest daughter) & Lacey - Hannah is 2 months older than Lacey

The "Little" Benjamin B. Wallace meets the "Big" Benjamin Wallace. When Brad's cousin's family saw Ben, they called him Ben Jr. They said that their "Big" Ben looked just like our Ben (curly blonde hair and all) when he was our Benny Boy's age.

Aunt Kimmy with Casey & Aimee's youngest daughter, Abigail Judith (Abby J).

Ben followed Jamison (Aimee & Casey's youngest son) around, clearly admiring his big boy cousin - they are about 2 1/2 year apart, and I am sure they will be buddies one day. (I just have to say that I LOVE this picture because of the look on Ben's face. I think he looks so proud and thinks he's so cool to be hanging out with Jamison)

Cousins hanging out - we sure missed our Peterson cousins! Kimmy & Russ were without kids because Becca had a dance recital & Emma stayed to be with her & Shane & Dakota had to get ready for scout camp. It just wasn't the same without them!

Casey & Brad entertaining Ben - or was Ben entertaining them? Not sure . . .

Reminder/Update

A week ago I shared how I read an article by President Eyring that prompted me to begin creating a journal specifically to record, on a daily basis, how I felt the hand of God reaching out to touch either myself or my family. I just want to share that I have been successful in making an entry every day for a week, and even though its only been a week, I have enjoyed the process of purposefully looking for things each day that I can record in my journal. During this past week I could feel the love of my Heavenly Father during a morning walk with a cool breeze at my back and the sun shining on my face. I could feel Him through acts of kindness or thoughtful gestures from friends and family. I felt his Hand reaching out to me in scriptures that I read and in a book I purchased. I could feel Him through an email from my mom and phone calls from Brad at times when I was feeling sad or frustrated.

I will admit that I had a couple of somewhat "downer" days, & I had to reach to the furthermost crevice of my brain to come up with something. I don't think it's because God wasn't around, I think it's because I didn't particularly want to notice. One of those days, I was even tempted to resist feeling the Lord's hand in my life altogether. It was just one of those days.

So now, it's week 2 and I am going to keep at this, because it is something I need and something I want. A week ago I invited anyone who wanted to join me in this quest to feel the Hand of God on a daily basis. If you decided to do that, how is it going? If you haven't started, why not start now? You won't be sorry, I promise!

Adjusting

only one white shirt in the laundry this week
only about 3 pieces of straggler "bishop" mail in the mailbox
ditto for the phone calls

and - THE longest, hardest, strangest, quietest, emptiest, monotonous Sunday in the history of all Sundays.

Yes, we have begun this process of adjusting . . .

Last Sunday brought strange feelings of displacement and a sense that something was just missing. With all the enthusiasm for a new bishopric, ward members rally behind them & offer their support (as it should be, Brad reminds), but it is hard to be the one replaced, and the human emotions that you know you should repress still come to mind & you want to say "but what about everything Brad has done in the past 4 years & 8 months? In one Sunday, it's as if he never existed." I wish everyone would quit saying things like "I must be ecstatic that Brad is released" and that it must be great to "get my husband back". I know they mean well, but for me, it is just not that way. The emptiness of the day seemed to follow us home, and by 9:00 pm, Brad declared, "it is time to go to bed. It is just time for this day to be over." I couldn't have agreed more!

{As a side note, I know that there are so many struggles in life, and believe me, I know that this struggle is easy compared to others, and it is one for which I should be thankful. And though it could be classified as an "easy" struggle, I also know there is much for me to learn from this experience, and that the Lord is teaching this stubborn soul many things that I need to understand. I recognize that, and maybe it makes things a little easier.}

. . . and, despite the difficult feelings, I cannot leave you on a down note, because there have been some wonderful moments in conjunction with the experience as well. There have been peaceful times in the temple, and experiences that have helped me know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me. There were the sisters in the restroom at church Sunday who caught me in a "bad" moment and hugged me and cried with me. One sister told me, through her tears, how much Brad had done for she & her husband, and that they loved us no matter where we served. Another sister told me that she had similar feelings when her husband was released from a bishopric. Then there was Lesli, who called me on the seemingly endless Sunday, and said, "let's go for a walk". How did she know I needed that probably more than anything else at that very instant? Yesterday I appreciated long conversations with Brad to figure out how to work through this change together as we shared mutual feelings of positive things we can do to fill the void we now feel.

And then there was the article I read just this morning in the November 2007 Ensign. Do you remember these words from President Eyring? I remember hearing this talk in last October's conference, but as the pages of the Ensign unfolded this morning, the words of, "O Remember, Remember" by President Eyring spoke to me, and I knew I needed them in my life right now. I knew it was not an accident that the pages of the Ensign opened right to the words that I needed to hear. In this talk, President Eyring shared how he began to keep a journal during the time his children were small, writing only a few lines each night. The purpose of recording in the journal each day was to answer the question, "Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?" In later years, he provided each of his children with a copy of this journal so that they would know what God had done for their family. Then he shared,

"As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done. More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance- even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened."

"The point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God's kindness . . . and the challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly. Those who are faithful to God are protected and prospered. That comes as a result of serving God and keeping His commandments. But with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source. It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers. The prophets have repeated this lament over and over."

And he concludes, "Tonight and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him."

So for me, I will take this challenge from one of God's mouthpieces, President Eyring. I want to do this, and I know that it will help fill that gaping emptiness that I have felt these past few weeks. In the past, Lesli has inspired me to start a gratitude journal, and I think I will do that, with this twist - "Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?" Would you like join me in this venture? For me, publicly declaring that I am going to do this increases the chance that I actually will, particularly because I would like to come back to you in 6 months & share how the process is going and how it is affecting my life. No matter what our daily challenges, how healing can it be to reflect on how our lives are touched daily by God? If you would like to join me, you can tell me about it, or not. In six months you can share how your life was affected, or not. I, for one, can't wait to make my first entry, tonight . . . then we can talk about it again, at the end of the summer!