Adjusting

only one white shirt in the laundry this week
only about 3 pieces of straggler "bishop" mail in the mailbox
ditto for the phone calls

and - THE longest, hardest, strangest, quietest, emptiest, monotonous Sunday in the history of all Sundays.

Yes, we have begun this process of adjusting . . .

Last Sunday brought strange feelings of displacement and a sense that something was just missing. With all the enthusiasm for a new bishopric, ward members rally behind them & offer their support (as it should be, Brad reminds), but it is hard to be the one replaced, and the human emotions that you know you should repress still come to mind & you want to say "but what about everything Brad has done in the past 4 years & 8 months? In one Sunday, it's as if he never existed." I wish everyone would quit saying things like "I must be ecstatic that Brad is released" and that it must be great to "get my husband back". I know they mean well, but for me, it is just not that way. The emptiness of the day seemed to follow us home, and by 9:00 pm, Brad declared, "it is time to go to bed. It is just time for this day to be over." I couldn't have agreed more!

{As a side note, I know that there are so many struggles in life, and believe me, I know that this struggle is easy compared to others, and it is one for which I should be thankful. And though it could be classified as an "easy" struggle, I also know there is much for me to learn from this experience, and that the Lord is teaching this stubborn soul many things that I need to understand. I recognize that, and maybe it makes things a little easier.}

. . . and, despite the difficult feelings, I cannot leave you on a down note, because there have been some wonderful moments in conjunction with the experience as well. There have been peaceful times in the temple, and experiences that have helped me know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me. There were the sisters in the restroom at church Sunday who caught me in a "bad" moment and hugged me and cried with me. One sister told me, through her tears, how much Brad had done for she & her husband, and that they loved us no matter where we served. Another sister told me that she had similar feelings when her husband was released from a bishopric. Then there was Lesli, who called me on the seemingly endless Sunday, and said, "let's go for a walk". How did she know I needed that probably more than anything else at that very instant? Yesterday I appreciated long conversations with Brad to figure out how to work through this change together as we shared mutual feelings of positive things we can do to fill the void we now feel.

And then there was the article I read just this morning in the November 2007 Ensign. Do you remember these words from President Eyring? I remember hearing this talk in last October's conference, but as the pages of the Ensign unfolded this morning, the words of, "O Remember, Remember" by President Eyring spoke to me, and I knew I needed them in my life right now. I knew it was not an accident that the pages of the Ensign opened right to the words that I needed to hear. In this talk, President Eyring shared how he began to keep a journal during the time his children were small, writing only a few lines each night. The purpose of recording in the journal each day was to answer the question, "Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?" In later years, he provided each of his children with a copy of this journal so that they would know what God had done for their family. Then he shared,

"As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done. More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance- even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened."

"The point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God's kindness . . . and the challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly. Those who are faithful to God are protected and prospered. That comes as a result of serving God and keeping His commandments. But with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source. It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers. The prophets have repeated this lament over and over."

And he concludes, "Tonight and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him."

So for me, I will take this challenge from one of God's mouthpieces, President Eyring. I want to do this, and I know that it will help fill that gaping emptiness that I have felt these past few weeks. In the past, Lesli has inspired me to start a gratitude journal, and I think I will do that, with this twist - "Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?" Would you like join me in this venture? For me, publicly declaring that I am going to do this increases the chance that I actually will, particularly because I would like to come back to you in 6 months & share how the process is going and how it is affecting my life. No matter what our daily challenges, how healing can it be to reflect on how our lives are touched daily by God? If you would like to join me, you can tell me about it, or not. In six months you can share how your life was affected, or not. I, for one, can't wait to make my first entry, tonight . . . then we can talk about it again, at the end of the summer!