My Thoughts on Motherhood

I have been contemplating my "mother's day" post for at least a month now. I have reflected much on my feelings about motherhood & my feelings for my children. There were several times that I wanted to sit down at the computer to start my mother's day post so that it would be ready to publish on mother's day. Obviously, that did not happen, as I am sitting here, the day after mother's day, still wanting to put up my motherhood post. I wanted to share a little of my journey to motherhood, because for me, it truly was a journey.

Something you should know about me that plays into my journey is that I am, by nature, frequently resistant to major change. This has been the case my entire life, starting with puberty. I think I willed myself to delay puberty for as long as was humanly possible. I absolutely did not want to grow up! I did not want to be a girl & there was little my mom could do to convince me otherwise. I remember watching Donny & Marie one night as a family, and my mom turned to me & said, "LaRae, look at Marie, look at what a darling young woman she is. She certainly enjoys being a girl!" Nice try, mom. Good for her, not for me! Well, obviously I got through that change and have quite enjoyed being a girl. I did fairly well transitioning from high school to college, though there was certainly some homesickness my freshman year. I survived, and by my second year at BYU was having the time of my life. Getting married was no problem at all for me, and I embraced that change. Motherhood, unfortunately, was my major hurdle.

It took me a long time to get up the courage to be a mother. I always knew that I would be a mother one day, but for many years I did not feel that I was ready to be a mother. As the oldest of six, I thought I knew the reality of parenting & quite frankly, it scared me to death. I didn't know when I would be ready to wholly invest myself in such a huge commitment. As I look back at this point in my life, I can also say that while I was in my twenties, I allowed myself to get too caught up in the world's perspective of motherhood, which was not always positive, especially at that time. I was in college & I was determined to graduate & begin a career. I did this and got a lot of personal satisfaction from these accomplishments. I received a lot of praise in my work & many people relied on me, & I did my best to always follow through so that I earned their praise & respect. This was important to me, and I had a hard time believing that motherhood could bring these types of rewards to me personally. Thus, I got stuck. Stuck into believing that I needed constant positive reinforcement for a job well done, and I knew that this would not be an element of motherhood. After all, I was the oldest of six, and I thought I knew the reality of being a mother. (Incidentally, I also had a bit of a phobic fear of Dr.'s & pregnancy, which didn't help the situation.)

I remember one particular conversation with my own mother regarding becoming a parent. I tried to tell her that I knew the reality of mothering, and I knew about all the hard work & all the pain & all the suffering that I was convinced it entailed. I remember that she replied, very wisely, I now realize, & told me that even though parenting was often difficult, I would find great joy in my own children. Joy? Really? I wasn't convinced. Though I wasn't convinced, she definitely gave me something to ponder, which I did. I am sure Brad thought we would never have kids. Yet, he was kind & supportive & never pressured me, in the least. Finally, after almost 9 years of marriage, I knew that I had to just close my eyes & forget my fears.

That was almost 12 years ago, and here I am, 4 kids later - I couldn't be happier! My mom was right about the joy, and I was certainly wrong about the reality of parenting. I didn't have a clue. I knew what it was like to change diapers & bathe children, & I knew that children fought & made messes, but what I didn't know was that was just the surface part of being a mother. I didn't know what it felt like to embrace my newborn baby in my arms and feel the overwhelming love for someone I had just met. I didn't know how wonderful it would feel to watch my child give a talk in church for the first time, or perform in a dance recital, or sing a solo at school, or draw a picture for me that says I love you, mom, or . . . . I obviously could go on & on & on. I love my children with every ounce of my being. I am so proud to be a mother & feel so blessed to be able to stay home with my children. There are times that I miss the accolades of a job well done, but the hugs and kisses I get from kids more than make up for it. Yes, I did know that parenting would be hard, challenging, and frustrating, but what I didn't know was that those things make the joy of being a mother even more sweet.

And by the way - that fear of pregnancy thing - well, I must admit that I loved being pregnant with Ben. There is nothing in the world that can compare with the feeling of your unborn child moving inside of you. It is surreal! In fact, just minutes after I had Ben and saw him, I immediately said, "that was so worth it. I would do it over again tomorrow!" How's that for an attitude change?