I have been contemplating my "mother's day" post for at least a month now. I have reflected much on my feelings about motherhood & my feelings for my children. There were several times that I wanted to sit down at the computer to start my mother's day post so that it would be ready to publish on mother's day. Obviously, that did not happen, as I am sitting here, the day after mother's day, still wanting to put up my motherhood post. I wanted to share a little of my journey to motherhood, because for me, it truly was a journey.
Something you should know about me that plays into my journey is that I am, by nature, frequently resistant to major change. This has been the case my entire life, starting with puberty. I think I willed myself to delay puberty for as long as was humanly possible. I absolutely did not want to grow up! I did not want to be a girl & there was little my mom could do to convince me otherwise. I remember watching Donny & Marie one night as a family, and my mom turned to me & said, "LaRae, look at Marie, look at what a darling young woman she is. She certainly enjoys being a girl!" Nice try, mom. Good for her, not for me! Well, obviously I got through that change and have quite enjoyed being a girl. I did fairly well transitioning from high school to college, though there was certainly some homesickness my freshman year. I survived, and by my second year at BYU was having the time of my life. Getting married was no problem at all for me, and I embraced that change. Motherhood, unfortunately, was my major hurdle.
It took me a long time to get up the courage to be a mother. I always knew that I would be a mother one day, but for many years I did not feel that I was ready to be a mother. As the oldest of six, I thought I knew the reality of parenting & quite frankly, it scared me to death. I didn't know when I would be ready to wholly invest myself in such a huge commitment. As I look back at this point in my life, I can also say that while I was in my twenties, I allowed myself to get too caught up in the world's perspective of motherhood, which was not always positive, especially at that time. I was in college & I was determined to graduate & begin a career. I did this and got a lot of personal satisfaction from these accomplishments. I received a lot of praise in my work & many people relied on me, & I did my best to always follow through so that I earned their praise & respect. This was important to me, and I had a hard time believing that motherhood could bring these types of rewards to me personally. Thus, I got stuck. Stuck into believing that I needed constant positive reinforcement for a job well done, and I knew that this would not be an element of motherhood. After all, I was the oldest of six, and I thought I knew the reality of being a mother. (Incidentally, I also had a bit of a phobic fear of Dr.'s & pregnancy, which didn't help the situation.)
I remember one particular conversation with my own mother regarding becoming a parent. I tried to tell her that I knew the reality of mothering, and I knew about all the hard work & all the pain & all the suffering that I was convinced it entailed. I remember that she replied, very wisely, I now realize, & told me that even though parenting was often difficult, I would find great joy in my own children. Joy? Really? I wasn't convinced. Though I wasn't convinced, she definitely gave me something to ponder, which I did. I am sure Brad thought we would never have kids. Yet, he was kind & supportive & never pressured me, in the least. Finally, after almost 9 years of marriage, I knew that I had to just close my eyes & forget my fears.
That was almost 12 years ago, and here I am, 4 kids later - I couldn't be happier! My mom was right about the joy, and I was certainly wrong about the reality of parenting. I didn't have a clue. I knew what it was like to change diapers & bathe children, & I knew that children fought & made messes, but what I didn't know was that was just the surface part of being a mother. I didn't know what it felt like to embrace my newborn baby in my arms and feel the overwhelming love for someone I had just met. I didn't know how wonderful it would feel to watch my child give a talk in church for the first time, or perform in a dance recital, or sing a solo at school, or draw a picture for me that says I love you, mom, or . . . . I obviously could go on & on & on. I love my children with every ounce of my being. I am so proud to be a mother & feel so blessed to be able to stay home with my children. There are times that I miss the accolades of a job well done, but the hugs and kisses I get from kids more than make up for it. Yes, I did know that parenting would be hard, challenging, and frustrating, but what I didn't know was that those things make the joy of being a mother even more sweet.
And by the way - that fear of pregnancy thing - well, I must admit that I loved being pregnant with Ben. There is nothing in the world that can compare with the feeling of your unborn child moving inside of you. It is surreal! In fact, just minutes after I had Ben and saw him, I immediately said, "that was so worth it. I would do it over again tomorrow!" How's that for an attitude change?
Everett Andrew Duncan, Jr. 9/26/1958-01/02/2015
9 years ago
11 comments:
This is a wonderful post LaRae. I really love the pictures. Especially the one with you and Ben. He is such a cutie! I love your honesty in your writing. Motherhood is definitely something we cannot fully comprehend until we experience it for ourselves.
Well Brad was not the only one that thought you would never have kids!!! But as your sister I am so glad that you did. You are such a wonderful mother....just like everything you set your mind to doing....you do it well LaRae! Your children are very blessed to have the love and support of two very loving parents. You both are such good examples to your children about how to love and live the gospel. Ben was such an excitement for all of us....of course most of all to you guys....but he is just darling, and so fun. I sure wish I lived closer so that I could see all your children more often. Thanks for the insight you provided in your post, I think this was my favorite mothers day post!
LaRae -
This was a beautifl tribute to yourself and your womanhood. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Thanks, LaRae for another "lump in the throat" glimpse into your heart. I'm so glad I know you. Happy Mother's Day!
Well, you wonder why i dont have my own blog, you are the reason why. I cant compete with you and your awesome blogging ability. the picture of you and the kids is quite possibly the cutest picture i have ever seen
Another wonderful window into the heart of a great and amazing woman! During Brad and LaRae's last visit to Woodland, I told LaRae that she looks like she is still in her 20's! Delaying the birth of children? Forever young, and a very special mother!
Thank you for sharing such an important part of your life with us. I wasn't in touch with you then so I didn't know this part of your history. By the way, what was your career?
When you said you didn't want to be a girl I giggled because I remember how girly you were in high school! You used to love to wear a girly blouse with jeans, and you ALWAYS had lip gloss on and your hair done.
Well, good things are worth the wait, and from this blog I get the sense that you are a terrific mother.
Oh, and those pictures are adorable! I love the one of you with Ben - you're usually the picture-taker, it's nice to see you.
Thanks everyone for your comments! Katie - thanks for the compliment on my blogging abillity, but I have no doubt that you can do it too! Linda, I'm glad I know you too. I love you grandma Judy! & Judy P - isn't it funny the difference a few years make because you are right, I have been quite "girly" for a long time. And as far as career goes - after I graduated BYU I went to work at my dad's company, Valley Foods, first as a customer service manager & then as marketing director. I enjoyed it a lot, but after my dad sold the company, lots of things changed and it was the final motivation I needed to be at home full time w/ my kids. (by that point I was working only part time & had Madi & was maybe pregnant w/ Katie.)
LaRae, I've been thinking a lot about this post, and how you and Brad went almost a decade without children. It got me thinking how interesting your perspective on motherhood is. Most women, especially most LDS women don't know what it's like to experience a marriage for a length of time without children and then experience the marriage with children. I imagine in such a case couples would have the opportunity to know each other in a brand new light. I would think you might have a unique perspective on motherhood and marriage.
It wasn't just a random thought, though, I've thought about this before. My brother Steve and Natalie went about seven years before Sammy was born. When he finally arrived they named him Samuel after Samuel in the Bible whose mother prayed every night for a child.
I like thinking about different perspectives. People are more similar than different, but it's the differences that are interesting.
Judy - It would be interesting to know how my perspective is different than those who were married for a brief amount of time before having children. In a lot of ways we all have different perspectives because our children are all different & teach us things that we need for our own growth. I do know that Brad & I were certainly very comfortable with our own relationship by the time our kids came along. We often ask each other - "what did we do before we had kids?" It's hard to remember - it was, in a way, a different lifetime ago. I know we worked a lot (which we still do!) We also decided that we watched a lot more TV together & we did a lot of basic households things together like grocery shopping & other errands. We no longer have the luxury of doing these things. However, couples who have kids early in their relationship end up doing these things when their kids are gone & they're in their 50's. Brad & I will be in our 60's before that happens - so I guess it's just a trade off - time before kids or time after kids.
I often wonder what kind of mom I would have been if I had had my kids 10 years earlier. I am sure there are things I would have done in a different way just because you change over time. I often think that I could be a mom of really big kids right now, and that is scary to me. But I am sure that it is just because I haven't gotten to that point yet. Obviously we adapt to our children as they grow & I will figure out what to do with 15 & 16 year olds when I get to that point. But I am really fine with where my family is right now. I am too immature to have to deal with college & missions & weddings right now. Mentally I am 10 years behind where I am physically!
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