True Confessions

I've shared a lot with you about me and this family of mine over the past year, and I think we know each other well enough that I can share something a little more personal with you. I want to tell you a few things about myself that I think will provide somewhat of an insight into a forthcoming post.

Do you ever wonder why you are a certain way? Do you ever wonder what makes your brain behave in the way that it does? Do you ever get frustrated that you are a certain way and that your brain does behave in the way it does? I do. I wonder about myself all the time, but truly the things I want to tell you are part of who I have been for as long as I can remember. That doesn't mean I can't change, but these things belong to the core of who I am! When some of you read this post, you'll probably say, "oh, I already knew that about you LaRae, and I still love you". Others may be completely surprised. I don't think these are necessarily admirable traits, and many will find me slightly loony, or at least boring. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can't. If you can, do tell, because I often feel like I am the only person on the planet who's like this!

Brad & my mom tell me I don't like change. I guess they're right to a certain extent, but there is a lot of "change" that I think is great! I love a change of season, moving around the furniture, painting the wall a new color, changing my wardrobe to reflect the latest style, changing my hair, changing my sheets, changing Ben's diaper - you get the picture. I think you could sum it up by saying that if I'm in charge of the change, I'm just fine with it. However, there are other components of "change" that I fight with every ounce of might that I can muster. As you will see, so far in my life, I can say that certain things have had to happen, and I can say that I have fought many of those things every step of the way! Believe me, there are many days that I wish, I weren't this way . . .

I don't like transitions

• When I was growing up, I wanted my mom to walk with me to my classroom at the beginning of every school year. By 5th grade she tried to convince me that I was getting too big, but I didn't agree. By the time I hit 7th grade, my mom refused to walk me into the school, even though I desperately wanted her to. That's a good mom!
• At the age of 12, I denied all possibility of approaching puberty. I hated the word puberty (still do) and refused to grow up. I did not want to grow up. I did not want to become a teenager. I did not want my body to change. ("what?? I need a bra?? No way mom!) My poor mom would try to convince me that growing up was a good thing, but I did not want to hear it!
• For the first six months of my Freshman year at BYU, I was miserably homesick. I could not handle the fact that my family was home, going on with "business as usual", while I was all alone, learning this new college life. (I guess this could be considered a good thing since my homesickness is what sparked a thought in Brad to write me a quick letter. That letter was the beginning of a faithful correspondence & look at us now!)
• When I got married, I think I adjusted to my new life quite well. However, the whole changing my name thing was a little disturbing. When I was first married, I always got annoyed when I got mail addressed to Mrs. Bradley Wallace. Who is that? Where was I in all that? Though, I still don't enjoy getting mail addressed to Mrs. Bradley Wallace, I no longer get annoyed.
  
• When Brad was first made the bishop of our ward, I struggled for at least a year (maybe two), trying to figure out this new phase of life. At that same time, I was no longer primary president (a calling I had for over 2 years - double whammy!)
  
• I hate the fact that I have left behind my years of "child-bearing" to enter a phase of solely "child-rearing". (that being said, it took me years to actually transition into the phase of child-bearing - so yes, this is a vicious cycle.)
• My kids go to a school where they can stay from preschool through 8th grade - keeps things simple & there's much less transition for me!
  

I don't venture far from my comfort zone - case in point -

• I basically live on the same side of the valley that I did when I was growing up
• I live just down the street from my mom
• I only left the Las Vegas area to go to college & then I was back!
• I married a guy who went to high school with me (top of my list of "things I want in a spouse" included - someone I am friends with first and someone whose family I know - so there you go!)
• I like Mondays because they are a return to the routine. I can clean my house, get things in order from the weekend & feel normal again. (OK - I know I'm weird, and I admit that when I was a student as well as when I was working outside of home full-time, I did not feel this way. In fact, I kind of hated Mondays. But as a mom, I love Mondays!)
• I will serve on the PTO board at my school as long as they need me - you see, I am comfortable there.
  

I don't like good-byes or endings. No, no, no I don't! . .

• When I was a little girl, my cousins would come to visit from out of town & when it was time for them to leave, they would literally have to sneak away in the wee hours of the morning, just so that a major scene (provided by yours truly) could be avoided. I could not bear to part and have the good times end.
• Again, during my childhood, we took a trip to Idaho to visit friends. When it came time to leave, I cried and threw enough of a fit that my parents decided to do the whole "let's pretend to leave her here and then she'll get worried and be happy to get in the car & go home" strategy. Unfortunately for my parents, this little plan backfired, because as my family drove out of the driveway, I couldn't be happier. I was even more upset when they drove back about 5 minutes later to take me home!
• When my parents sold the home of my youth, after a night of packing, I stood in the carport and wept with tears of sadness (on my dad's shoulder) just wondering how they could have done this to me. How could they sell this house? This was the house that I lived in all through jr. high and high school. This was the house where Brad proposed to me. This was the house where we were back door neighbors with the Harris'. We never used each others' front doors & I loved that. And, this was the house that had a little live pine tree planted in the backyard that I gave my dad for Christmas one year.
• When our friends the Bracketts moved from our neighborhood several years ago, I could not bear to look inside their empty house as they finished packing. For months it felt like torture to drive past their home, knowing they were no longer there.
• I really don't enjoy the end of a school year because it means my kids are older & getting ever-so slightly closer to the time when they will leave me. My mom has already told me that I am not going to be a good empty-nester. (The end of a calendar year is no better - for the same reasons).
• I don't even like the end of a day because it means I have to go to bed & I can't finish everything I wanted to do that day.
  

So there's my confession - pitiful, I know. You probably don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Don't worry, neither do I. Intellectually, I know that the only consistency in life is change (and all it's components including transition, endings, good-byes, and getting knocked out of my comfort zone). In hind sight, I know that probably every situation I mentioned above resulted in lessons learned, growth, and better things for me as I finally transitioned through the uncomfortable moments of change. So, there is always hope that I will change how I react to change, but given my track record, I just don't know . . .